walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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