i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
