why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
