i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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