ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
