You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
