Soap is not a condiment
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
