Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
