she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also, beer. Big fan.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
