I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
