Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
