Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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