what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I fill condoms, not promises.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
