I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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