He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
