you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
