worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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