"it" just moved
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
