i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
