So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize