she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
