my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Ladies don't puke and tell
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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