y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
