Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
