i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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