so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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