I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
