i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
