just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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