if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
