I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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