I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
