I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
