I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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