wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
