If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
