I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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