We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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