Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
