i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have aggressive nipples.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
