Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
