Michael Bay diarrhea
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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