Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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