i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
