doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
