Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Randomize
