You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize