If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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