I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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