Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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