shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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