Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
