There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
