i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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