Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
