3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
