You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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