so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
