u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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