Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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