the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just pee around me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Randomize
