I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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